Time has stopped. I regret pulling down my old posts, burning them to the ground like I did for much of the rest of my life – including, unfortunately, myself. I was a victim of my own spiral downward. I’m not back up… I’m not even anywhere near looking beyond the pit where I find myself today.
But, I have realized something important, I don’t have to make it worse.
Right now, I have no clue who I am or what I was. There is a black hole in so many spots inside me that I feel the constant vacuum-pulling me to collapse in on myself – to embrace the void where there once were stars.
I want to be more than that. I want to be me again.
I can tell you who I was, I can tell you what happened, I can tell you what happens every day, but I’m not sure if that will fix anything. I have no one to talk to, except you – dear friend. The only person who has ever understood me – acted as a translator through my fingertips to create sentences that my voice could never find.
This was the place that made me whole – whether here or the other platforms I used. It was the tool of my trade that allowed me to find my heart and my head, allowed the people closest to me to hear the words I could not say, and the truly see the emotions in black and white that could never be felt looking into my eyes.
I was betrayed in so many ways, over and over and over again, but the worst of those betrayals was that this was taken from me. The place where I could seek answers and find words and pull the spiraling chaos into order. It was gone. For far too long.
It is time to start over. There is fear, of course. And anger and so much more. And, I wish I could say above all else is hope, but truly, I don’t see it. Yet. I look to this to find the hope and maybe, just maybe, in the shadows of this time in my life – I will be able to find it here.
And, clock starts ticking again.