Being Nothing


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I’ve been hesitating. I don’t want to talk about this. I worry that I will be judged. But, in truth, that is a symptom of the situation itself.

I used to not worry. I used to feel so powerful and together in my own skin. I would look in the mirror and smile. I was happy with me. I loved myself. I truly believed I was amazing and beautiful and wonderful.

Now, I can’t say that. When I look in the mirror, I want to cry. When my husband touches me, I do cry. I want to hide and not let anyone ever near my again. I feel worthless and ‘less than’ and like there is nothing in this world that could be lowly enough to deserve my attention or devotion.

Despite everything that ever happened to me – my mother’s violent temper, a boyfriend who used me as a punching bag, an alcoholic ex-husband who taught me to hate men – I have always been able to hold onto my love of myself. When I thought I was crazy, when I thought I was broken, and when I thought I was lost – I still loved myself and knew that I had strength. That I had control that was my intellect, sexuality, and voice.

No more.

It wasn’t quickly lost. No, it was a slow agonizing process.

So, here is a lesson plan for how to tear someone’s self worth and self esteem down to the ground:

  1. Build them up and make them feel like their beauty and sexuality is appreciated by you by making a point of choosing them over another woman or multiple women. Point out how lowly they are in comparison to you. It makes your partner tie your love and affection to being more attractive or enticing than other women.
  2. Put them in a position of having to compete actively for your affection. Push to have other partners involved, especially when they are vulnerable (when pregnant or post-pregnancy). Expose them repeatedly to situations where she sees first-hand the appreciation you have for other women. From getting dances to actual threesomes, put her in a position of constantly being ‘just another woman in life’ but lift her up as the ‘one you always go home to,’ again hinging her relationship with you on her ability to keep you over the others.
  3. Plant seeds of guilt and anger any time she rejects those experiences or shows the slightest hint of insecurity. Whether it be her backing out of meeting another couple or getting on chatroulette and have women hit on you and don’t say a word when you show her on the camera and the women make fun of her.
  4. Behind her back – build relationships with other women, including getting your kids involved and having a girlfriend. Tell them how much you dislike her and talk about your attraction to other women. Build up a solid history in writing (facebook messages, texts, emails), so she can find it later and read everything.
  5. Now, give her a peak. Slowly, over several months, leak information about these outside relationships, so that they build and build and she will feel like it is never ending.
  6. Now, this part is very important, over these months to a year(s) –  create a cycle: (a) tell her she’s amazing and beautiful and the only one, (b) tell others they are amazing and beautiful and the only one and that the one in “a” is nothing to you, (c) have her see/know about the others, (d) tell her it will never happen again, and go back to a and repeat.
  7. Build your own “alibi” with your friends and significant others to make it seem like you are not the bad guy by telling everyone how awful she is, that y’all aren’t in a relationship, solicit them to find you more women, make it sound like she forced you into any interactions or relationship with her from day one. Reinforce that you don’t love her, but it was just part of your disease. She is just one of many, and not even a good one.
  8. Have her find this out.
  9. Tell her that it’s a disease. That you can’t control it. Assure her – promise – that it will happen again and again. Go into detail about what you would rather be doing and who you would rather do it with. Use her to listen to how badly you want to hurt her under the guise of her helping with your disease. Never let her think for a single moment that she was or is “the one” because there will always bee a slew of “ones” concurrently.
  10. Stop showing her anything. No more access to seeing facebook msgs/emails/text. Take away all transparency, leaving her completely in the dark.
  11. Now, leave. Pack up you stuff and walk out on her and your kids.
  12. Call her and say that despite all your stuff being gone that you didn’t really leave.
  13. Come back.
  14. Now, again, just a week later – tell her you despise being with her. That y’all aren’t really together and that you don’t care about her or your kids. Leave and ask for a divorce.
  15. Same day: Contact ex-girlfriend and try to solicit for massage. Contact wife and beg for forgiveness in a new way. Don’t let her say no. Don’t stop calling repeatedly. Don’t stop texting. Don’t give her one moment of peace until she lets up. Make her give you another chance.
  16. Have ex-girlfriend let her know about contact.
  17. Move all your stuff back into her house. Pretend everything is fine. Treat her like she is crazy or annoying whenever she seems insecure.

And, you are done. She is ruined. You can do everything right and be a great guy, but she will never feel like she is anything ever again. Every time you come within a yard of her, she will start shaking and 1 through 17 will run through her head over and over again. She will never be able to look at herself in the mirror again. She will never think anyone loves her or even likes her ever again. She will never feel pretty or beautiful or sexy. She will never trust that you or anyone else will choose her over anyone else.

She… I… am nothing and no one.

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