I was brought up to believe that you should always be quiet when driving past police cars because they can listen in and will monitor what you are saying. Instead, I resorted to trying to think “help me!” over and over again, screaming out voicelessly, hoping that this listening equipment including mind-reading as well.
This example, I am not sure if it says more about my mom’s issues or my own.
My mother was recently transferred from a medical hospital to a psychiatric hospital. She has been there for a week now. Today, she has a civil commitment trial in the county’s mental illness courts. She has fired her court-appointed attorney and demanded a jury-trial.
She intends to show the court how the mental health system is flawed. She believes I conspired with my father to “have her locked up.” She believes that between me, my father, and the military industrial complex, we are trying to silence her powerful words and songs that are aimed to bring peace world-wide and bring all nations together to speak a single language.
She believes birds follow her, supporting her in her mission, as they hold the souls of her parents. She also believes that she must feed the birds, or the world economy will collapse and her parents’ souls will be lost forever.
She believes that my father’s blood pressure machine monitors any conversations in the house that speaking badly about the VA hospital or Department of Defense. She believes that she must tape the news 24/7 because if she does not have a record of the events, they will have never happened. The same with newspapers – if she throws them away, the events will have never happened. But, she can not just sit and watch the news on tv because she feels that the newscasters are watching her and speaking directly to her.
Everything is important and has significance. She carries a dozen garbage bags with her with most of her valuables in them because she fears that someone will break in and steal them.
She spends money but has not concept that there is a finite amount in the bank account. If you ask her to think about how much things are or control the amount spent, then you are trying to control her. To get her way, she pushes fault on everyone else – everyone is trying to hurt her.
I am a bad mother to my children. I am a bad daughter. I am bad. It is my fault. I will never be good enough. I will never understand her depth. I cannot possibly achieve her level of enlightenment. This is what I have been told – over and over and over again.
She threatens, screams, gets violent. She thinks her stint that was places after a heart attack gave her super powers. Now, she can see connections between everything and solve all problems. She understands everything and no one can understand her.She can’t stop talking. She can never stop talking.
My dad said she wasn’t always like this. But she has been for as long as I’ve been alive. She has just gotten worse over time.
And, I’m still here screaming “help me!” in my head, and hoping someone will hear.