I use the term “spiraling” to describe what is going on with me because I don’t know the right words or even if there is a right word. But it’s where one thought pattern leads to another and another, keeping the last but growing. It’s like a maze in my head with words and thoughts. One leads to the next and the next, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, then a gust of wind comes and blows all the bread crumbs in a pile together – one thought on top of a thousand more. That’s what’s loud. That whole process – that’s spiraling.
I’ll give you an example that happened yesterday. This was part of the thought process in my head and I tried to keep as much as I could inside, but ended up saying parts out loud. We were driving to and home from dinner. I might get some of it clustered or cluttered or out of order, but maybe it will help explain.
Someone said the other day that ivory was my color. I like ivory. I wanted an ivory shower curtain with the gold soap dish when I lived in that loft with the brick shower. Ivory is a type of white. The clouds are so white. So many different colors of white and blue and grey. The shading in the clouds looks strange, like the word cloud. I hate that word. Cloud. Cloud.
Their darker on the bottom. Like shoes. They have soles. Maybe there is a God. If souls are in the clouds. No, different soles. Souls. Soles. Souls. Soles.
No, that shading. Like a painting. Bob Ross. Hair. Afro. I dated a white guy with an afro. Kind of. It was curly. He wore jumpsuits. He was weird. He backhanded me while driving. We’re driving. Husband wouldn’t do that. Where is his hands. I need the air pointed at me. I don’t want to see hands. They look too big. His hands. My hands. My hands look too big. Is it my eyes? Is it my hands?
The clouds are heavy. Oh god. Their going to fall. God is mad at me. They look like the tips of mountains with snow caps, but the rest of the mountain is gone. Where did it go? It’s mount Olympus. The clouds are going to fall. The clouds are going to fall. How can they possibly stay up in the sky like that when they look so heavy? The shading wouldn’t be wrong. They just keep looking heavier and heavier. Their moving left, but what if I’m wrong and their moving down. This is the start of the falling.
That one looks like a dragon. It’s moving. It’s moving its head.
He just said dragon. How does he know? Did he read my mind? He knows what I’m thinking about. He sees the dragons too. Wait! Are dragon’s real? Real? Not real? Real? Not real? What’s wrong with my hands? Do the Gods there see the dragon too? Wait, what? Dragons aren’t real. Then, what are the British doing with them. Are the British real? Do they have souls? Do they know about Mount Olympus being here? No, no… penguins. Are penguins real? They are just white. And black. High contrast. Not like the clouds. And they always look heavy. Like the clouds. Waddly.
The sun is going down. The whole sky looks like one giant cloud now. What happens when it’s totally dark. What if the clouds fall then? How will we know? They could be falling and we wouldn’t know. The dragons could be hiding on top of those clouds. We’re under the mountain now.
Ok, this is enough. It’s not everything in my head and the entire trip, but this is what I mean when I saw “I’m spiraling.”
If someone has a better name for this, please let me know. Usually I can shake it off and refocus on something else, but lately, I can’t stop the spiraling. It just keeps going. And more and more keeps leaking out of my mouth.