Prep for doc appt

So, at husband’s suggestion I took the big, scary list and made it more user-friendly. The psychiatrist appointment is in just a couple hours. I’m nervous and scared, but it’s going to be ok.

What is going on:

  • Anxiety, panic attacks, scared, paranoia (real? Not real?)
  • “Spiraling,” people putting thoughts in my head, head is loud
  • Feeling disconnected from self, losing time, watching myself from outside
  • Not sure what is real or not
  • Flashes in vision (lights, sometimes colors, and now more opaque overlays, seeing things that aren’t there)
  • When things are good, everything “clicks”, but when things are bad – everything falls apart
  • No motivation, no focus (hygiene, going to work, cleaning car, cooking dinner)
  • Have a hard time with words, not always making sense – people have to “translate”, frustrating
  • Not responding right to situations (crying/laughing/acting childish/no response at all)
  • Can’t sleep, when I do – nightmares


Coping mechanisms:

  • Finding patterns
  • Listening to same stories/videos over and over
  • Writing
  • Making lists
  • Refocus/twitch/blink (grounding exercises)
  • Eating


Family history:

Son – Mood Disorder nos, Gen. Anxiety (dx @ 7) *hospitalized

Mother – bipolar 1 w psychosis, psychotic disorder nos *hospitalized

Father – ptsd (Vietnam), suicidal

Uncle (mother’s brother) – bipolar and schizophrenic *hospitalized

Grandmother (mother’s mom) – bipolar, “hysteria”  *hospitalized

Grandmother (father’s mom) – suicidal, depression, “hysteria”  *hospitalized


Personal history:

*not sure what is pertinent here*

Suicide attempts:

10 – tried to overdose on Tylenol

12 – tried to overdose on combination of midol and sominex

15 – tried to drive car into pole

17 – OD on caffeine pills

19 – OD on opium and ketamine

26 – alcohol and mix of pills

32 – kitchen knife, finger nails and pen cap to tear open wrist


Major Episodes:

15 – After extremely stressful event went to psychiatrist and psychologist, reported depression, not sleeping, panic attacks, seeing and hearing things that were not there. Given med for sleep and depression (valium, celexa, Effexor, and klonodine) – according to parents no dx, but told it was “their fault”, so they pulled me out and stopped meds.

20 – After extremely stressful event, collapsed into self. Talking to self outloud, seeing/hearing things, panic attacks, hopeless, not sleeping, spiraling.

22 – High stress job and going to school at the same time – hearing things, very paranoid, panic attacks, spiraling, ptsd flashbacks, not sleeping , quit job for menial job, started drinking again

25 – hemiplegic migraines started, recent divorce, son was a baby – increased paranoia, flashbacks, talking in head more loud and meaner – sounded like ex-husband, not sleeping, got counseling at domestic violence org, dx with PTSD, started on Topamax for migraines and it helped with everything else. Stayed on and off of topomax for 4 years.  Also prescribed Amitriptyline which I stayed on for about a year

29 – Just had 2nd son, husband was having 1st round of issues – extreme anxiety, not sleeping, paranoid, spiraling, still hearing ex-husband and my mother in my head, people putting thoughts in my head, went to ob/gyn and dr – prescribed amitriptyline again, stayed on for 6 months

31/32 – 1st son fell into depression,  high stress at work, marriage falling apart, husband dx and treatment – fearful, flashbacks, now my head is husbands voice, mom and another, very paranoid, spiraling again,  not sleeping, panic attacks. Start seeing therapists again (family, couples and ind), doc prescribes clonazepam and Lexapro. Take clonazepam sparingly – only when panic attacks are bad enough, and stopped taking Lexapro after 3 months (last fill 12/26/2014)

33 (now) – mom finally diagnosed, parents now homeless – seeing that maybe it’s not “just a phase” or something that everyone has and is just better  at coping that me, or not “just a very vivid imagination” like I’ve been told my whole life. I don’t want my kids to have a repeat of my mom as a parent. It kills me that if someone had just gotten her help or listened to what was going on early on – I would have had a normal mother maybe. And, I’m not going to pass up an opportunity to give that to my kids.


Other major life events:

Childhood abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse


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