So…. We have a diagnosis.


Major Depression with Psychotic Features.

Honestly, I feel relieved. I’m definitely not a fan of the doctor. She was pushy and rude. She didn’t seem to get what I was saying most the time. And, the big thing was – if this doesn’t work, I will just have to find a different doctor. Well, fine then. Ok. I don’t like her.

She told me she couldn’t prescribe anything without me being an intensive outpatient program. I told her that wouldn’t work for me. And, I negotiated down to just seeing my regular therapist on a real schedule, instead of just calling her when I need it.

So, she gave me no information about what major depression with psychotic features even means, except I’m paranoid, anxious, and depressed. So, let’s look at google…

dep w psych

Ok, yes, I have a history of depression. But, quite frankly, I don’t feel depressed right now. Yes, I was crying, but when am I not crying these days? I don’t feel sad though. Shouldn’t I feel sad?

Well, ok, so, out came the prescription pad and we have Stelazine, Trazadone and Lexapro. I’ve had Lexapro before and it helped a lot. Trazadone, I don’t know much about… (googling)… another antidepressant. The doc said it would help me sleep. I know husband was on that for awhile. Stelazine is an entirely new name to me though. She said it would help with the paranoia, so it’s an antipsychotic.

This should all be fun.

I was angry about not liking the doc at first, but, really, if the meds work then who cares if she’s gruff. And, I needed to start actually talking in therapy. I realized something when driving back to work – I don’t talk about me because me is not important. Like my interior life. Instead, I talk about my relationship to other people and how they make me feel. My discussions with therapists are never really about what’s actually going on with me.

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